I dont clearly remember passing my driving test or my 21st birthday, i dont clearly remember doing my best mans speech at my brothers wedding, but i do clearly remember the day i was told my son Logan is autistic.
I remember my emotions, i remember what i was wearing, i remember the colour of the walls in that room and i remember the empty feeling i had
I have since been asked what was it like being told your son has a severe disabilty and have never been able to explain how it felt so here goes.
Obviously i cannot say how other people feel or felt when they were given such news i can only say how it felt for me.
After a long drawn out process, backwards and forwards between various so called specialists we finally recieved an appointment for a multidisciplinary assessment, which would involve a paediatrician, a speech therapist and a clinical psycologist. Having had very little to do with doctors and specialists this was all very strange to me and understanding their dialogue was at times difficult.
I remember feeling glad that finally i could get an answer, a properly formulated diagnosis by professionals that would enable me to move forward, that is how i sold it to myself and how i dealt with what i felt was inevitably coming.
We took Logan in and the specialists came in introducing themselves with a rather relaxed tone, unaware i thought, of the emotions that were surging through me, or maybe trying to create calm.
Logan was tired, i remember he had been unwell and none of us had slept the previous night, but logan was playing with some prearranged toys and was keenly engaging in the tasks put before him.
The paediatrician who was leading the assessment was firing questions at me to which i was replying and then she announced we would go out to allow the team to discuss their findings.
So this was it i told myself and prepared myself for what was to come and before i knew it we were called back in.
The paediatrician went through all her findings and i felt she was going over the same things as if she was becoming tongue tied, but finally she said they are ready to give a diagnosis of Autism.
My mouth dried and nothing came out, i wanted to speak but couldn't. I cleared my throat and started into my prearranged answers saying its great we finally have an answer and then once again my mouth dried and i couldn't get a word out. no matter how hard i tried nothing would come out. I looked down at the floor, shuffling uneasy as the reality started to set in, and cried. I cried like i had never cried before, a hollow dry cry.
So i can say to people clearly what it is like to have your son diagnosed with a disabilty, I can tell you it hurts. It hurts like no other pain i have ever had. A hollow, sobering pain that leaves you numb.
